Another day another pound ( i freakin wish!)

Man, if i could lose a pound a day i think i'd die from sheer joy.

Anyway, i'm back for the most part, just dealing with some college stuff, transferring, going in and out of therapy, dealing with a long distance relationship, all that good stuff :)

But i'm still an Ana and will be forever. I'm not going anywhere.

This is really short, but i'll attempt an update tomorrow morning just to let you know my progress :) :)


Love you, little Anas,

<3


Anna

I'm still alive!!!

Hello, little Anas!!

I'm so sorry for the horrible delay from my last post to this one. I've had a horrible few months concerning college classes, money, my keys and wallet being stolen and having to pay for quite a bit of damage control and, horrifically enough, throwing my lifestyle off to the side for the time. But, in the midst of all this stress, I know that there is only one thing that I have complete control over. My self control.

I've been on the lookout for some new thinspo and came across this lovely song :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-wGMlSuX_c

As for the latest on my diet and weight and what not...I'd rather not say at this point in time...yeah, it's been THAT hellish the past few months.

But fear not!! As soon as i reach my first goal weight, you all will be the first to see my progress pictures. In the mean time, continue to read my blog, post your comments, share your stories, and give one another strength :) :) We don't have to fight alone anymore :) :)

As always, Think Thin, little Anas!

<3

Anna

Ana Boot Camp: Day 22 - 250 calories

Another day, another diet. *sigh*

250 calories today meant a breakfast of one apple (80 calories) and half of a low fat vegan yogurt (REALLY hard to find; 45 calories), a lunch of a grande iced skinny Cinnamon dolce latte at Starbucks (80 calories), and a late snack of 22 grapes (44 calories). Exactly 249 calories :)

A useful tip for eating fruit: cut up all fruit into small pieces (even grapes) and eat them with a fork. Not only does this help to make the meal last longer, especially if you're making sure to drink some water with your fruit, but I found myself much fuller at the end of my grape snack then I thought I would be.

I bought a yoga mat today!!!!!! I can't tell you how excited this makes me! I've been doing palates and some simple yoga already, but it's been killing my spine and my knees and the mat really helps. I'm going to try all those palates and yoga workouts on YouTube for abs. I want mine sleek and sexy. Not really into the whole six-pack look on girls, so I'm going to stay away from major muscle building routines and stick with the fat burning ones. No weights for me :P

I believe last night I promised some low cal snack ideas, so, as promised, here's a few I found online that I've liked the most :) :)

One cup of watermelon: 34 calories

Half a cup of raspberries :32 calories

Half a grapefruit: 39 calories

12 cherries: 43 calories

Half an apple with light caramel dip: 80 calories

One cup strawberries topped with fat-free Cool Whip: 58 calories

One teaspoon of Peanut Butter: 80 calories (don't laugh, it kills my cravings :P)

Alright, that's all I've got for you guys today :) :) Hope your week has been lovely and your weekend will be lovelier! I'll try to update as soon as I can, but I'll be in rehearsals all weekend. For everyone who's looking for more low calorie snack ideas, here's a GREAT link!!!

http://www.journeywoman.com/travel101/100_snacks.html

"It doesn't matter how slow you go, as long as you don't stop."

Goodnight, little Anas

~Anna

P.S. don't forget to comment!! They motivate me!!

Prove Them All Wrong

Tonight, I was running through my usual google search terms to find new thinspiration and tips, when I came across the definition of "Pro-Ana" in Wikipedia. Out of curiosity, but having a strong hunch as to what it would say, I clicked the link. Wikipedia proceeded to explain to the world that all Ana's had deadly disease and were all trying to kill themselves through starvation for one reason or another blah blah blah...nothing I haven't heard from my parents all through high school. And, quite frankly, I hate people who jump to those kinds of conclusions. We are all not striving to end it all through elongated suicide. I'm just trying to perfect my body. But that's an argument for another day.

What I really wanted to mention was a picture I came across on the Wikepedia page. What I saw was a very thin, almost cartoonish looking girl, crouched on the ground, her knees to her chest and her face buried. And she was entirely disproportionate. Her limbs were elongated past reason and all forms of fat, muscle, hard bone angles were polished out. She was literally lineslineslines.

It was a "caricature" of thinspiration.

I call it a dare.

For me, this only shows that there are people out there who fully believe that perfection is out of reach and that, to show this, they must make fun of our lifestyle.

Well, I say, prove them all wrong. Prove every last person who laughs at you and your goal that it's possible. Prove to the world that perfection is not out of reach.

If you would like to see the gallery, here's the link.

http://www.ivonnethein.com/en/art1_1.html

Good luck, little Anas.

~Anna

Ana Boot Camp: Day 21

The last few days have been really good with my diet!! I' just enjoyed a light dinner of veggie broth ( 5 calories) and half a slice of low cal bread (20 calories) so only 25 calories!! (I've also been chain-smoking like a fool, but that's not suggested) But, I'm back at my place for the night, which is very relaxing with Fiona Apple's "Paper Bag" playing in the background.

One of my greatest discoveries today is the finding of Starbucks coffee's nutrition page on their website! I am a Starbucks fiend!!! I loved picking through all the drinks and finding out what has what in it and how much sugar/fat grams are in it. I found a new love for Iced Skinny Lattes!!!

Not only are they cheaper than my usual Sugar Free lattes, but they really are for skinny people!! And that's what we all want to be, right? 1 tall iced skinny latte (pick any skinny flavor they offer) is only 60 calories!! My morning was totally made with this discovery! But, be sure to get the latte iced, because the hot lattes are 30 calories more :( :(

A good hour or so online has introduced me to some very helpful hints, that I'll share a few with you now.

1. it takes about 3500 to gain a full pound and about 3500 calories must be burned to lose a pound.

The human body burns about 100 calories an hour while awake and about 50 while asleep. So, to meet this requirement, take the take the hours your awake times 100 plus the hours your asleep times 50. Subtract that number from 3500 and that's how many more calories you have to go before you begin to lose weight.

2. less than 6 hours of sleep reduces your metabolism by 15%

Would you rather loose 50 calories every hour you sleep, or 42.5 calories? Those calories add up!

3.Your brain thinks it's full once you've been eating for 20 minutes.

Slooooooow doooooown! Sip some water or diet soda between each bit. Be sure to chew twenty times before you swallow. If you're with company, share a funny story so you do more talking then eating. Whatever it takes to extend your meal, do it!

I hope these tips help others like they're helping me :) :)

I'm still saving up for a digital scale, but college tuition is kicking my ass :(

If anyone would like me to post a few of my favorite low, low calorie snacks and meals, leave a comment and let me know :) :)

Remember, whenever you say "No, thank you," you're saying "Yes, please," to Thin!

~Anna

Ana Boot Camp: Day 19

Today was nothing but failure.

I was okay until I got back to my place at around 2:00 (about two hours ago). I had just taken my best friend to the free health clinic. She just found out I was pregnant and she's completely distraught. She's a mess and has no idea what to do.

I ended up binging with a taco bell burrito, chips and hummus, some almonds, and a dinner roll, and a chocolate soy bar.

I hate myself.

I've been doing palates for the last hour now, but I can't get over the fact that I'm a complete failure. I want to go for a run, but my homework is so piled up that I'm bound to the house for the night.

I have a therapy appointment on Thursday and I'm hoping to be another five pounds lighter by then, hopefully.

A day in bed

Why do I only feel worth something if the clothes that fit yesterday are loose today? I don't know. I do know that I changed into some jeans and a white t-shirt, took one look at myself in my bathroom mirror in all the yellow-white lights and fought back the urge to cry. I stripped and went back to bed.

That was two hours ago.

I feel like no matter how little I eat, no matter how many hours I work out at the gym, no matter what I do to myself, my body absolutely hates me. Every time I get half a step closer to my goal, I'm jerked back two or three. Some days I feel like the only thing I can do is hide out in my bed and wait for the fat to starve away.

I want so much and it seems so impossible. I want thin thighs that don't rub together when I walk. I want collar bones that stand out in elegant lines. I want clothes that are loose to make me look smaller, not bigger. I want people to notice me, not my huge weight. I want big brown eyes not clouded and hidden behind fat cheeks. I want arms that don't bulge out of cap-sleeves. I want so much and some days I just want to throw up until I'm there and I've achieved it.

I swear there's something wrong with me.


~~~~~~~~

It's been a few hours since I last posted. Around eight or nine, i'm not really sure. My boyfriend called a few moments ago. He's driving back into town for one reason or another and wants to see me tonight, a coffee date I suppose. I honestly don't want to leave my apartment. It's so much of an effort to find something to impress other people in. I'd much rather have him come over for a bit where I can stay in my ratty jeans and a hoodie and hide out from the world for just a bit.

My parents invited me to dinner. The "i'm feeling a bit sick," excuse is wearing old. I don't know how i'm going to continue on in that department.

I really am trying to keep this blog as up-beat as possible, but sometimes that almost feels like asking to much.

I'll try to be happier tomorrow.

It all depends on the numbers on the scale.


~Anna

Ana Boot Camp: Day 14 - 350 calories

Its been quite a while since I've blogged. Over a week, i believe. My college classes started and, because i've just transferred, I've been unbelievably busy trying to get everything sorted out from my classes to my car (which hates me at the moment) to my books to a boy from the past who showed up back in my life just long enough to say, "hey, i still detest your existence...bye."

The only thing keeping me sane is the knowledge that I'm going to the gym tomorrow morning and i've been true to this diet.

I suppose I should discuss the diet, considering that's what this blog is about. Today was 350 calorie day. A 25 calorie bottle of vitamin water and a cigarette provided me the energy i needed to get to my 8 am class this morning (no time to eat anyway :P ) and lunch gave me the chance to gorge myself on a 300 calorie dish of tofu, broccoli, and soy cheese. With another 25 calorie bottle of green tea, it was a half hour of heaven :D :D

Total: 350 calories (exactly)

I'm already seeing results from the way my jeans fit :D :D :D

Although, I am noticing a lack of strength, which is odd since I do work out when I can at the gym. I'm thinking that I should focus most of my calorie intake into the morning, so that i don't get light-headed so easily. I do always try to manage to eat something for breakfast, but I think I'll try to up that meal's calorie intake (diet permitting).

No Friday classes means more gym time for me! I'll see how long I can go on one 100 calorie power bar. Much more frequent updates in the future!!

I'll be sure to mark my weight-loss progress tomorrow when I weigh myself after my workout :) :) I was down my first five pounds Monday!

Thin Thoughts!!!!


~Anna

Feeling kinda lazy

While I'm chilling in front of my tv watching Wall-E for the hundredth time, I thought I'd get some blogging done.

I've come to the conclusion that ana is my lazy way of dieting, haha :) Think about it for a minute...laziness is basically avoiding doing things. Instead of shopping for food, preparing for meals, cleaning up afterwards, I can use that time to chill out after a stressful day, smoke a cig while tossing a tennis ball around for my dog, and blogging about stuff that interests me. I enjoy it :P

I've missed that feeling of hunger, too. I feel thin when I feel hungry. And, if the hunger gets to strong, I have a cig and I'm good to go. I'd much rather enjoy low cal foods like fruit and vegetables when I feel like it, instead of becoming a slave to my stomach and feeding it every time it growls at me. I feel empowered when I can say no. Its about the one thing I ever say no to.

Ana Boot Camp: Day 4 - 400 calories

Just a quick word about yesterday, day four, which really should have been posted last night. oops :-/

Yesterday morning went fine with my boyfriend at breakfast, everything was going according to plan until we brought up the subject of a certain person in my life who... has a rather disturbingly great ability to drive me absolutely insane in all the worst ways possible. And, once person is brought into the conversation, I tend to need a brief period of meditation afterwards, this person just gets me that irritated and worked up.

Lunch went slightly downhill from their. Having lunch was fine with my friends. I ordered the salad with ease, claiming not to be that hungry (which was true, I was still more upset about the person my boyfriend and I had talked about then hungry) and picked at it until we left. After that, I had to see my college's administrators about an issue and ended up waiting in line for around three hours, still not really getting the issue resolved.

It was after all this happened that I ended up in Starbucks, stressed out of my mind, with a grande sugar free hazelnut soy latte, officially pushing me over my daily caloric intake by around 130 calories. I then went home and slept through the party and didn't wake up til around 7:30 this morning.

Yesterday was a bust.

But, today is a new day and I'm not letting anything throw me off. Day 5 and 100 calories. Its only 9:45 in the morning, but so far nothing but water has gotten past my lips. If I can hold out for another few hours, I'll be able to have coffee with my girls like planned (black, 5 calorie sugar) and, if I have a room for it later tonight, I'll finish off those strawberries in my fridge...if my brother hasn't already, that is.

"Only I can let myself fail"

~Anna

Ana Boot Camp: Day 3 - 300 calories

Alright, so day three went rather smoothly :) I had a moment of panic when my twin brother and I had to have lunch with my parents ( O.o ) but the meal turned out much better than I expected :) Having not eaten breakfast before (due to the fact that I woke up about twenty minutes to 1 in the afternoon and lunch was planned at 1 ) I was able to get away with rooting through their fridge and let them eat their chicken/salad/cornbread lunches while I joked around with my family as I slowly worked through my 90 calorie yogurt and small piece of toast. Without completing either aspect to my breakfast with the excuse of having just woken up and not even my stomach's awake yet, I was able to keep breakfast down to about 100 calories.

Lunch of five pieces of sushi went down as 150 calories :)

Dinner, which was about seven at night with my twin brother and two friends of ours consisted of Waffle House coffee (alot of it) and a lovely hour of lazy chain smoking while we all ran lines of various plays and one-act festivals we're all involved in (gotta love the theatre-geeks :D ).

Total: 300 calories

Another successful day <3

Tomorrow, however, poses as a large problem that I was completely unprepared for. In the past week or so, I've made plans to have breakfast with my boyfriend at one point, lunch at another friend's family's Greek restaurant, and attend a party at another friend's house. I just realized tonight that all three of those were happening tomorrow. Shit.

Thankfully, tomorrow is a 400 calorie day (I think I might have just died if everything landed on a 100 calorie day or a fasting day). This gives me some room to spread everything out. I figure tomorrow morning with the boyfriend could be gotten away with a low-calorie spinach, tomato, and mushroom omelet that they advertise as only 275 calories. If I make sure to stay under 2/3rds of the meal (which normal for him to see as I've never eaten all of my meal before), then that keeps me at no more than 184 calories. Add the few cups of coffee I'll be having with it to kill my appetite till lunch, then that should balance me out to about 200 calories.

Lunch should be easy enough with a simple Caesar salad (which can remain unfinished with a story of a big breakfast at IHOP), then I should hopefully be at 400 calories and done for the day.

The will power will take a major hit at the party. This is what I'm most worried about. Three things always show up at these parties: drinks, drugs, and food. I can go without a drink, but a good hit of pot gives me a wicked case of the munchies and, with enough, I'm so chilled I could give a fuck about calories and scale numbers and jean sizes and pass the leftover pizza, would you?

All I can say is that I'm going to look like a freakin Mormon at the party tomorrow.

Oh well, it will all be worth it when I wake up the next day and step onto the scale :) :) :)

Which reminds me!! Tomorrow is Monday, which is my official Can Not Skip For Any Reason Weigh Day! This excites me, because I would love to see the results of just the first four days of my ABC diet. If I get a result from that, then there's no telling how amazing the full 50 days will result as :) :) :) :) :)

Alright, enough for one night :)

"It's not about being skinny or pretty. It's about being perfect, and not a pound more."

~Anna

Just a thought...

I don't know why I'm thinking of this now. I guess it's just one of those thoughts that refuse to leave until you've finished it, until you've thought it through.

I've been asked before why I don't eat as much, why i choose to try on bigger clothes than my size and buy smaller clothes then I can fit into. I've been asked why I don't go out to lunch with friends, don't go to dinner with my boyfriend.

I've been asked.

I don't answer.

I guess there's just some sort of sick part of me that thinks that maybe...if i get thin enough, people will listen when i say i need help.

Ana Boot Camp: Day 2 - 500 calories (or less)

Today seemed all over the place, calorie-wise. I started out with a simple enough plan: start the day off with a simple fruit and soy-yogurt smoothie, have a few low calorie soycheese and spinach snacks in the after noon, and maybe a bit or two of veggie sushi at around five or six. But, when I walked into my kitchen this morning, it took a while to get rid of the headache I kept getting from standing until I realized I was getting really light-headed and needed to sit down before I passed out. After chilling on my kitchen floor for a bit, I made my smoothie (232 calories) and grabbed my vitamin supplements and chilled on my couch downing the smoothie and waiting for my blood sugar to regain equilibrium.

It caught me really off guard, though, being to light headed on only the second day of my diet. Usually, it doesn't start getting this way for a good two to three weeks into it. Granted, that was when I was fourteen, and now I'm nearing twenty. I suppose my age must be showing.

The day progressed with a short nap while watching "Deadly Women" (that show is messed up), with my mother surprising me with, believe it or not, three trays of sushi to "tide me over till the holidays are over and you can get your usual hours back". At about about 150 calories every four pieces, I added another 150 calories to my daily intake, bringing it to 383 calories. Two cups of coffee later (27 calories each) and 12 grapes (24 calories) i finished eating for the day around five o'clock.

Total: 461 calories

Not bad for my second day.

I'm hoping my body will adjust to the calorie cut in a few days. I can't afford to go back to school or work passing out all over the place or taking regular five minute breaks on which ever spot of floor i happen to be standing on.

2 days down, 48 to go.

Hunger hurts but starving works.

~ Anna

Ana Boot Camp: Day 1 - 500 calories (or less)

Today was fairly easy. This was expected. Considering last night was new years eve and I was at a party at my boyfriend's house filled with food his mother had made for him exepcially for the party, I proceeded to eat at leaste one of nearly everything in sight...good idea? bad idea? not sure. I couldn't help but follow the feeling of "well, you know as soon as the clock strikes 12 food will be a thing of the past."

Waking up at 2:30 in the afternoon helped in many ways as well. Without the option of breakfast due to my lack of consciousness and lunch really became more like dinner, my meal of the day consisted of the following...

1 small bowl of light Caesar salas : 110 calories

30 small red grapes: 60 calories:

1 mint moca (with the boyfriend): 320 calories

1 diet coke: 1 calorie

total: 481 calories


I'm very happy with the success of my first day. Not only does this give me already something to hold on to, but I have been re-introduced to a feeling that I have not felt in a long time: hunger. Hunger does many things to my brain; it gives me a high in and of itself, it allows me to feel controle over my body instead of it controling me, and it makes me feel thinner than i had a moment before :)

I've decided to start typing my blogs in my kitchen at night for two reasons. The first is that I am hungrier at night and typing this blog is something that i simply can NOT do while eating. AT ALL. The second is that my will power is weakest in the kitchen. The kitchen is something I have almost come to fear. So, by typing my blog in this kitchen when I am most hungry, I can allow my mind to learn to be around food without thinking of food as a threat. If i surround myself with my enemy I will soon learn to not fear it. This is a trick I learned from a friend of mine who is a recovering alcoholoic working at a bar. While working, he has no availability to drink, yet is surrounded by his weakness. He expressed to me while we celebrated his 100th day of sobriety over soy lattes that he fells now that he feels stronger and more sure of himself when he denies an offered drink at a party. '

Day 1 is over. 49 days to go. If I can go all fifty days on this diet, I will regain controle.

Stay strong, starve on.

~Anna